| lazy days |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|06:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The sound of birds chirping as the sun rises... | ] |
As I sit here in Jason's kitchen, watching the time near six o' clock, I feel a feeling I have been experiencing much too often now. The feeling of lonliness. Of course, I have felt lonely before, but that was with good reason. This time, the lonliness makes no sense. Let me elaborate.. *begin long story sequence*
You see, I've only really had one first love. I've been in two relationships (yes, only two), but the first one was more of..breaking things in. And in the end, it felt more like a deep deep friendship. The second time around.. It was a mistake. I wasn't looking for someone to love. Honestly, I had quite a problem with that feeling. For as long as I can remember, the topic of love has been...shall we say...taboo? Yes, it has been taboo for me. Why? I'm not really sure. All I know, is that I have issues with it. I can't even tell my own mother that I love her, and sometimes, I have trouble believing that I actually do. When one is as self-centered as me, one can only feel love for themself, which actually never happened for me. I was loveless, I guess you could say, as I tried desperately to avoid any deep attachments. Of course, somewhere along the line, I lost sight of the me I was trying to protect, and I have become the me I am now.
But my first love.. In the end, she turned out to be someone completely different. The person I thought I knew, the person I fell in love with accidentally, turned out to be a fairy tale. Someone too good to be true. It hit me far too late, and it hit me hard, too. The relationship we shared always looked so perfect on the outside, but on the inside, it was really tainted with deception and lies. I was blinded, however, and chose to ignore the crucial factors that may have saved me a lot of heartache. And even though I stayed in the relationship because it made me happy and kept me alive (literally), I still turned to self-abuse as a way to release my pain on the world. I took the blame for everything, and I have cut myself a few times. Just the beginning of this year did I tell myself that I was not going to take the blame anymore. That I wouldn't let it be my fault. And that's where it started falling apart.
The failure to rescue myself early on is taking its effect now. Once again, I am full of anger and hatred, and all I can feel is the need to protect myself from everything. The desire to fufill my own self-interests. After giving myself the way I did for nearly three years, I suppose you could say the old habit is dying hard. From her point of view, she will probably say that I didn't do anything. But my friends and family know the stress she put me through, even though I never unleashed those thoughts and worries upon her. I can say that I am very glad to be out of this relationship that was ruining me, and has been the downfall and reason that I have plunged into depression. But back to the lonliness issue.. *end long story sequence*
I only felt lonely when I wanted her near, and she remained so very far away. My problem is, that for the most part of my life, I have never craved to have another by my side. I have always been perfectly fine by myself, doing my own thing. It has always been that way. But in an attempt to better myself, I had lowered my defenses; I let people in, and I even grew attached to them. Now, my own selfish desires are wanting to cut all ties once again. But..is it the right thing to do? Will my new persona be able to handle the lonliness I was once so used to feeling? What about the others? Will they hate me for shunning them so suddenly...? And what of my family, who worries and cares about me? But most of all, what about me? Will losing these ties finally kill me inside? Why do I have to feel lonely? Why do I have the urge to be in as many meaningless relationships as possible until I feel whole again? Have my ramblings even made any sense..? Heh... I guess this is what they would call..the rebound.. |
|
|
annoyed
crushed
contemplative
confused
bored
cold
awake
tired
pissed off